Hunched And Blinded Drabbles
by Shampaggin
Summary: Metalocalypse. 100 & 200 word stories of the biggest entertainment force in the universe. Ratings will change by drabble.
1. Ice Cream Therapy

**TITLE: **Ice Cream Therapy  
**PAIRING:** Nathan/Charles  
**RATING:** G  
**NOTES:** Inspired by Rei telling me she was writing fluff for Mss Rat's birthday, and also because she was eating ice cream, and I thought "Ice cream is fluffy!" So, a happy belated birthday double drabble for Mss Rat, humbly offered at the altar of fic, flickering with the light of a thousand candles and not reeking of suspicious incense. Just of Sweet Dreams vanilla cigarettes, because I can't really handle cigars. Oh yes, and I capitalized the word "needed" purposely.

Ice Cream Therapy

"_My advice to you is not to inquire why or whither, but just enjoy your ice cream while it's on your plate. That's my philosophy."  
_-Thornton Wilder.

Cuddling wasn't metal. Nor was ice cream, or indeed, cuddling while slowly polishing off a pint of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream hand-made by Jean-Pierre.

Nathan silently observed his lover doing both, brown eyes glued to the large LCD television screen on the other side of the room. To say that Charles had had a rough day was an understatement; to see him acting like an unhappy sorority girl was kinda really disturbing.

Sighing, and slipping his arm around the smaller man, Nathan pulled a little closer and continued to muse on why they would be watching Uma Thurman hack her way across the screen while indulging in something as un-metal as sharing a blanket and a container of sweet artery-clogging goodness. Probably vic… victor… living through the TV, Nathan decided.

Casually lifting his hand to wipe away the single tear streaking down his manager's cheek, Nathan rested his chin on top of Charles' head. Whatever could reduce Stoneface, as he was occasionally referred to by the longest-surviving roadies, to tears must be significant. By morning he would be his usual business-like self, and Nathan knew that whatever bothered him was secondary to the fact that right now Charles Needed Nathan.

-fin-


	2. Defiance

**TITLE:** Defiance  
**PAIRING:** Toki/Skwisgaar  
**RATING:** G  
**NOTES:** My first Toki/Skwisgaar attempt. Picked from an archive of prompts.

Defiance

"You a lady, Skwisgaar!" Toki's voice rang out shrilly.

"No, I not!" Skwisgaar shot back loudly. It was the best he could do, taken aback as he was by Toki's sudden display of defiance. Cheeks burning as they left the supermarket, both men sulked the whole way home.

Later that evening, after sewing their chef back together wrong, Skwisgaar showed up at Toki's door.

"Little Toki, always puts-upon, nevers stand up for hisself," he purred. "I t'inks we remedies dat now."

And grinning, Toki boldly stood up, sauntered over, and without a word, slammed the door in his lover's face.


	3. Sheathed Claws

**TITLE:** Sheathed Claws  
**PAIRING:** Toki/Skwisgaar  
**RATING: **G  
**NOTES:** More like Defiance Part 2. Continuation, followed by The Upper Hand.

Sheathed Claws

It was a game of cat-and-mouse. Toki was playing with him, gently, batting him back and forth between sheathed claws. Or, more likely, sniggering to Deddy Bear behind his closed door.

Clearly he wanted Skwisgaar to come after him. Of course he did. But he wanted the upper hand. And while Skwisgaar was not used to being the mouse, he did know his Toki very well indeed.

Smirking all over his fine, pale features, the Swede strode back to his room. Oh yes. Toki would pay for defying the fastest guitarist alive. Like a feudal peasant in England, he'd pay.


	4. The Upper Hand

**TITLE:** The Upper Hand  
**PAIRING:** Toki/Skwisgaar  
**RATING:** PG  
**NOTES:** Follow-up to Defiance and Sheathed Claws. Part 3 of 3.

The Upper Hand

It worked. Skwisgaar's cunning plan to gain back Toki's good graces, involving a spoon, a yo-yo, and a trowel he'd stolen from a passing gardener, had worked.

Skwisgaar's room may have been more appropriate, but the likelihood of being caught at all here was slim to none. And slim was out of town, which brought those odds to approximately zero.

The point being, Skwisgaar was on the inside of the closed door now. Both of them nude, aroused, and trying to gain the upper hand. _But den_, Skwisgaar managed to think, _cats… meeces… whats did it matters?_

_-fin-_


	5. Locomotionklok

**TITLE:** LocomotionKlok  
**PAIRING: **Nathan/Charles  
**RATING:** G  
**NOTES:** For Rei. She knows why. I heard the locomotion at the gym this morning, and then much later I had a few drinks, and this is the rather twisted result. Enjoy.

Locomotionklok

Nathan prowled the halls of Mordhaus, looking for the source of the strange - and very un-brutal - music he was hearing. Probably the only one who would recognise it was Pickles, but the bastard was nowhere in sight.

Typical.

He turned a corner and the music grew louder. So he followed his ears, pausing at each door to listen, in case the room beyond was the source.

It was to his great surprise that a hand shot out from one, fisted into his shirt, and dragged him into the office beyond.

"Come on, baby. Do the locomotion with me."


	6. And It's Pronounced Shampayne

**TITLE:** And It's Pronounced "Sham-payne"  
**PAIRING:** Nathan/Charles  
**RATING:** G  
**NOTES:** Because Rei and I both found Dr Pepper in our fridges. Also, I think I officially have an OTP. Rawk.

And It's Pronounced "Sham-payne"

"_What the hell was that for?!"_

Drenched and sputtering, Charles glared up at Nathan, who had the grace to look sheepish as he tried to hide the offending - and still fizzing - bottle behind his back.

"This…? Uh, yeah… This. Well… I couldn't find any champagne, and Jean-Pierre was busy, so I… kinda stole this… And, er… happy anniversary?"

The eyes that were burning twin holes in Nathan's face softened slightly, and the corners of Ofdensen's lips twitched with a suppressed smile.

"Very well, Nathan," he conceded. "But next time, try to launch something more dignified than Dr. Pepper at me, alright?"

_-fin-_


	7. Hier Kommt Die Sonne

**TITLE:** Hier Kommt Die Sonne**  
PAIRING:** Nathan/Charles, of course**  
RATING:** R**  
NOTES:** Eh… it's not bad, per se, but I did have better plans for this. Oh well. We all know this song would be awesome on the iVibe. 'Sonne' is copyright Rammstein, Metalocalypse copyright Small & Blacha.

Hier Kommt Die Sonne

_Eins…_

_Zwei…_

_Drei…_

It had never occurred to Charles to make love to music. Oh, sure, he'd seen movies, doors closed, Bryan Adams floating through the wood, but he never considered being here, now, Nathan moving inside of him while Till Lindemann sang about the sun.

Nathan's deep growl blended shockingly well with Till's own, and Charles found himself making noises very similar to those of the female vocalist. Since when did Nathan speak any German?

_Vier…_

_Fünf…_

_Sechs…_

At the proverbial edge, Charles decided they would have to do this more often. Shouting aloud as he came - hard - he knew that although the real sun would not be rising for a number of hours, his own sun had risen the day that Nathan had made his interest clear.

_Sieben…_

_Aucht…_

_Neun…_

Warm, comfortable, and deliciously sated, Charles leaned over to the small nightstand on "his side" and fished out half a pack of clove cigarettes, passing one to his lover. Receiving a polite grunt in reply, he merely chuckled and lit up, indulging this once, and remembering his own high school German classes. If only they could see him now.

…_und die Welt zählt laut bis zehn._

-fin-


	8. Fishklok

**TITLE:** Fishklok  
**PAIRING:** Nathan/Charles  
**RATING:** T  
**NOTES:** I have no idea where this came from. None. However, there is a grain of truth to it: Legend has it that Nathan's punch line was the response of black-and-white comedian WC Fields when asked why he never drank water.

Fishklok

"Well, now." said Charles, rolling onto his side and staring Nathan right in the eye. "Isn't that better?"

Nathan only grunted in reply, and pulled the small, slightly sticky man to his chest. Despite their growing attraction, both men still lied to themselves, truly attempting to believe that it was casual sex and nothing more. As _if_.

Sighing, Charles squirmed out of Nathan's tight embrace and reached down to the floor for the jug and glass he knew were there.

"Water?" he asked.

"I never drink water." Seeing Charles' raised eyebrow, Nathan grinned and then elaborated: "Fish fuck in it!"

_-fin-_


	9. 100 Days, 100 Nights

**TITLE:** 100 Days, 100 Nights  
**PAIRING:** Nathan/Charles  
**RATING:** G  
**NOTES:** Inspired by Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings. Because jazzy R&B is totally metal.

"_100 days, 100 nights  
To know a man's heart;  
100 days, 100 nights  
To know a man's heart  
And a little more  
Before he knows his own"  
_-Sharon Jones

100 Days, 100 Nights

On the first day, Charles shyly led Nathan back to his room, and they shared a secret they thought nobody else knew about.

On the thirtieth day, Nathan laughingly insisted they celebrate their "one-month anniversary" and Charles complied happily.

On the fiftieth day, Charles awakened to sunbeams across his hazel eyes, and he smiled at his snoring lover.

On the eighty-eighth day, Nathan uncomplainingly rubbed Charles' back as he shivered and vomited through a rough bout of influenza.

And on the one hundredth day, Charles realized he was truly in love with Nathan, and nothing could ever change it. Ever.

-_fin-_


	10. Istanbul, Not Constantinople

**TITLE:** Istanbul (Not Constantinople)  
**RATING:** K  
**PAIRING:** None  
**NOTES:** Unadulterated stupidity… probably because I'm getting ye olde wisdom teeth out tomorrow, and I need an outlet for the nervous energy. Just some pure crack, 33 percent bonus because I couldn't make it 100 words. Drabble-and-a-third. Oh, and obviously, Metalocalypse is (c) Small and Blacha, and Istanbul (Not Constantinople) is (c) They Might Be Giants, The Four Lads, the Tiny Toons people, etc. Not me.

Istanbul ( Not Constantinople)

" - and from there, Istanbul. Any questions?"

"Uhhh, yeah… I thought we'd be in… that other city instead." Nathan spoke up.

"Which other city?" said Ofdensen, mildly confused.

"The, uh.. Other one… starts with a C…"

Charles frowned and tried to think like Nathan. "Nathan. Do you mean Constantinople?"

Nathan nodded. "Nathan, Istanbul IS Constantinople," Charles informed him. "But…" and here he struggled to think of what might make Nathan understand. "But now it's Istanbul. Not Constantinople." he finished lamely.

Satisfied, Nathan nodded. "Like how New York was New Amsterdam." he said. The only sound breaking the following uncomfortable silence was Skwisgaar contemplating how his "dates ins Constantine's opal woulds be waitings in Istanbul. I loves it."

Charles just sighed.

_-fin-_


	11. Charlemagne

**TITLE:** Charlemagne  
**PAIRING:** Nathan/Charles  
**RATING: **PG-13  
**NOTES:** For Rei. Obviously, I own nothing and am just a huge pervert our for cheap laughs.

Charlemagne

"Come on, what's wrong with Citizen Kane?"

"Nathan… have you ever _seen_ Citizen Kane?"

Nathan squirmed uncomfortably. "…No."

"There. You see my point? I know you're fond of… of Conan… But you are not naming my manhood Citizen Kane! It wasn't _that_ great," added Charles, frowning deeply. "Besides, I never understood the… Ah! Oh, that's nice… the fuss about naming it anyways."

Nathan grinned, and continued teasing Charles, fingers tripping merrily up and down his length. "Well, I gotta call it something… it's all lonely and nameless."

Staring fixedly at Charles' manhood, inspiration struck and Nathan triumphantly cried out.

"Charlemagne!"

_-fin-_


	12. Brannigan's Law

**TITLE:** Brannigan's Law  
**PAIRING:** Nathan/Charles  
**RATING:** PG  
**NOTES:** Why yes, I did spend time, precious existence, tossing Zapp lines back and forth with Rei and debating how funny it would be if Nathan tried them. Metalocalypse (c) Small and Blacha, Futurama (c) Matt Groening.

Brannigan's Law

Charles Foster Ofdensen was shocked. Gobsmacked. _Mogadored._

"If… you said... what?!"

Nathan shuffled his feet awkwardly. He'd rehearsed this scene a million times, from every angle, in front of the mirror, in the shower, practicing harder than he had for _any_ concert. He'd never imagined he'd say _this_. This was just mortifying.

"Nathan?" prompted Charles. "If you said…?"

_Oh well. Too late to turn back now._

Blushing furiously, Nathan raised his head. "If I said you had a beautiful body, would you take your pants off and dance around a bit?"

Charles' pants were gone in seconds flat.

-fin-


	13. Sick

**TITLE:** Sick  
**PAIRING:** Nathan/Charles  
**RATING:** G  
**NOTES:** All for Rattie. I hate being sick too. So I farted this out to cheer myself up until I get over my stupid cold.

Sick

_Damned summer colds, _grumbled Charles to himself. _As if I didn't have enough work already._

For a week, the man had been miserable; his head felt full of cotton, his nose was blocked, and talking took a back seat to both coughing and sneezing. The air conditioning worked overtime in the heat. Consequently Charles' room was frigid, and he curled up further under his pile of blankets.

Not long after, the door to his room was quietly opened, then shut, and a large figure slipped into the bed next to him; a smile crossed Charles' lips as Nathan's warmth surrounded him.

_Alright… maybe it's not so bad._

_-fin-_


	14. Surprise!

**TITLE:** Surprise!  
**PAIRING:** Nathan/Charles  
**RATING:** PG-ish  
**NOTES:** Strange, strange things live in my head. I own nothing. I do, however, get enormous joy from judicious applications of the word "buttsecks." Try applying Ken Keeler's Theory Of Inherently Funny Words to it sometime. Really.

Surprise!

Charles limped into the bathroom, muttering angrily.

"Come on, Charlie… It was a joke! Uhhh… OK, not really, but… aw, just come on!" echoed the plaintive whine behind him.

Charles ignored Nathan, slamming the door in a huff. Who did he think he was? Using him, Charles Foster Ofdensen, like some sort of… of _blow-up doll_! On the other hand, it _was_ a hell of a compliment. Charles smiled slightly and opened the door again.

"It's quite simple, Nathan. Just don't shout 'Surprise! Marathon buttsex!' and jump on me ever again. Ever."

"…What about if I made a sign and threw it at you?"

_-fin-_


	15. The Life Mordwegian

**TITLE:** The Life Mordwegian  
**PAIRING:** Nathan/Charles  
**RATING:** G  
**WARNINGS:** Author not liable for any and all disturbing mental images of naked, wrinkledy old Bill Murray.  
**NOTES: **Based on an icebreaker for a house meeting when I lived in Rez. One guy really, truly gave this answer, backed by this logic. Really all I had to do was somehow force Charles to ask the question. I don't know if I succeeded. A bit longer than most, but still too short for a double-drabble.

The Life Mordwegian

"Nathan..._ Nathan_."

"What?" grumbled Nathan, opening a bleary eye to glare at his little lover.

"Nate… if you could have sex with any celebrity, of the same gender, who would it be?"

Snorting his displeasure, Nathan rolled over to look Charles in the eye. "You woke me up for that? Why would you even ask that? _I'm_ a celebrity, people're supposed to want to sleep with _me_."

Suppressing a smile, Charles stared right back and answered "Because it's 8:30 in the morning, I have a stack of paperwork to do, and this works better than a bucket of cold water with the added bonus of leaving my bed nice and dry."

"Oh, fine…" yawned Nathan. "Bill Murray."

"_Bill Murray_?"

"Yeah. Bill Murray." Here, Nathan grinned. "Like, wouldn't that be the best inside joke ever? The time you had sex with Bill Murray?" Still grinning, Nathan rolled over again, leaving a baffled Charles to figure out quite where such an answer had come from.

_-fin-_


	16. Breakdown

**TITLE:** Breakdown  
**PAIRING:** None  
**RATING:** G  
**NOTES:** Heavily inspired by the song 'Breakdown' by Jack Johnson. It's just such a wicked song. I wanted to catch the feel of it in the story. I own nothing.

"_I need this old train to break down;  
__Oh, please, just let me please break down"  
__-Breakdown_, Jack Johnson

***

Charles loved this part; on tour, stopped in a small town, he could get out and stretch his legs. See what there was to see. He enjoyed the view from the Dethbus windows, to be sure, but to get out and experience what would have gone right by was something different.

So he walked. He could have walked forever, into some other life, _any_ other life… any life he wanted. Whenever he wanted. As he chose.

Cresting a hill and spying the bus, the boys waiting impatiently for him, Charles smiled. He might walk away, but he would _always_ return.


	17. Struck By Lightning

**TITLE: **Struck By Lightning  
**PAIRING: **Nathan/Charles  
**RATING: **G  
**NOTES: **Inspired by the current goings-on in an RP with Rei… I am not sure why we started coming up with this, especially because I was sober, but I got a drabble out of it.

Struck By Lightning

"So what'd you tell 'em?" questioned Nathan as they left the conference room.

"Nathan," said Charles, "I discovered years ago that all I have to do is tell you boys something less likely, but more interesting, than the truth."

"So, like… they bought it? They don't know we, uhhh… broke the picnic table… having sex on it?" Persisted Nathan.

Charles laughed. "No, they don't know we broke the table that was _bolted to the ground_ because we had sex on it," he said.

Nathan's relief was palpable.

"Good... That's good. What _did_ you tell 'em?"

"I told them it was struck by lightning."

-fin-


	18. Be My Yoko Ono

**TITLE: **Be My Yoko Ono  
**PAIRING: **Nathan/Charles  
**RATING: **PG for swearing  
**NOTES: **Title from the BNL song of the same name. Good song, too. As per spec, I own nothing except the plot; Metalocalypse © Small and Blacha.

Be My Yoko Ono

"_If I were John and you were Yoko,  
__I would gladly give up musical genius  
__Just to have you as my very own personal Venus"  
_-Barenaked Ladies

Charles rolled over to face Nathan. "It's been three days. Don't you think you should visit the other boys? They might think we've died."

Nathan snorted dismissively, clearly indicating that spending three days in bed was well worth that price. Three days spent holding and kissing and _oh god the fucking…_Shaking his head to clear it, he spoke up.

"Nah… 'Salright. They'd only come looking if we actually died and stank up the place," he said. "Besides, they probably figured out where we've been, and… uh… none of them wants to come investigate. An' I'm alright with that."

Charles looked uncertain. "Are you sure? I mean, it's been fun, but you and I both have work to do." Mischief rose in his eyes as he continued his thought. "I suppose I could legally hold myself responsible if this caused the band to break up. And then we'd never be interrupted -" He was cut off as Nathan rolled over him with a playful growl.

"Never happen. Who do you think we are, John and Yoko?" he muttered, chewing contently on Charles' neck. "Besides, I'd be alright with that."

Charles grinned.

"Fine… And I'll follow you wherever you go, _John_. "

-fin-


End file.
